"Happy" Place

Catch Up Time

2007-10-20T15:09:03Z

Okay, that was a severe lapse between posts here, but my art classes have me running ragged. Lots of catching up to do for my loyal readers. (I hope all 3 of you got that sarcasm)

Starting off, Tim's not gay/bi. He just thought it would be a good idea to make friends with other Graphic Design majors just so he has some friends here. That whole experience made me realize that I was doing something that is really just incomprehensibly bad and wrong. So, I'm off trying to find other companions here. It was wrong of me in the first place. If anything, its made me realize how much I love Alexia.

That girl Nicole that I mentioned in my previous entry? Yeah, well she's not really welcomed in our house anymore cuz almost all of us hate her. This is the same Nicole that thought it necessary to make out for 3 hours with her boyfriend/my room mate with all of us in the room. The same Nicole that cheated on my one room mate Tom with my other room mate Adam(her current boyfriend) last year and even still continues to lie and deceive people about it, which last time I checked, made her a 7 timing slut. Not so much that she was sleeping with all of these people, but more so in the fact that she was fucking them over in the verbal sense. And, this girl has the gaul to get all offensive when Adam announces that he's had another girlfriend almost the entire time that he's been seeing Nicole. Hmmm, Pot calling the Kettle Black anyone?

Anyway, I just thought I'd fill in a little back story behind her before I actually get to the reason she's not welcome in our house anymore. Since she's started to go out with Adam, he's become a total lost puppy, where he wasn't before.

A Big Night, and a Waited Reply

2007-09-23T00:49:25Z

I met up with Tim last night down at the Muddy Cup, just the two of us. I swear to God my heart was beating like it was going to explode out of my chest in nervous anticipation. When he finally showed up, there was of course those few moments of nervous quietness, but that soon changed as he drank his coffee, and myself my tea.

We just sat there and shot the breeze, just talking about just nearly everything, and from those conversations, I can determine with 75% certainty that he is not gay. It was still fun hanging out with him and everything, and two hours later we decided it was a good idea to be heading back. My friend Nicole was all up in arms and sparkly when I got back "How was your man date? Did you guys hold hands? Did you guys kiss?" I just replied with a dagger-like gaze and a boot to the head. That got her quiet real quick. ^^

However, I'm still not sure about him. I sent him a message detailing what's been going on and asking him what was pretty much up with us, because God knows that I don't.

However, all this misplaced emotions and feelings make me miss Alexia so much more. I feel like such an undeserving bastard to have her as a girlfriend while I go around and try to set myself up with other dudes. Its so not right. Its really not fair to either of us, but only more so to her.

Stupid Twit

2007-09-21T02:54:44Z

I really am a bit of a twit you know.

I mean here I am, really hot guy vying for my attention, and all I can think about is taking shots for my photography class. He came out with us, but soon into the process he had to leave, unfortunately leaving us very much so where we started.

However, it did serve as a possibility to show him to my friends and get an opinion outside from my own easily convoluted head. A majority think that he is either gay or bisexual, in addition to being super cute and possibly interested in me. That makes me a bit happy.

But damn, how twitty does it get, when you've been with the same girl for six months, happily mind you(which in itself is a hard enough task to accomplish) and I go around seeking attention and companionship with others. I'm a total mess right now. I sorta wish someone out there would read this and maybe give me a bit of advice.

Tonight

2007-09-19T22:53:20Z

Tonight I'm going off downtown into the city to shoot a couple pictures for my photo class and hopefully meet up with Tim(guy from last entry). My heart is beating like woah, and I honestly don't know what I'm gonna do/how to react. Wish me luck! ; )

A Bit of Unfinished Business, and A New Beginning

2007-09-17T02:58:58Z

Alright, I've totally come to the conclusion that Jake and I, just aren't meant to be. I wish it would happen, however, I just don't think it would be very happy after a certain point. I met Andrea, and she's an incredibly nice person, and I don't want to see her get hurt in the event that Jake and I would wind up going out together. Its just something that I'm going to have to live with, and I'm okay with that. I mean sure, it hurts a little on the inside, but I want him to be happy.

On the other hand, I was developing my film for my photography class and I ran into this guy developing a roll of color film and making test sheets for his stuff, and I took the initiative and left him a little note on his negative sheet introducing him. I went back to the developing room to change out the chemicals, and when I came back there was a note in return introducing himself. Turns out we're both Graphic Design majors in sophomore year, and we both also have a lot of stuff in common. Shortly before leaving the art building, he very casually asked me for my number, throwing in that "If you ever wind up in the park, or possibly down at the Muddy Cup(awesome coffee place) and you ever want a little company just give me a call or something. At that my heart did a little flip. He seems really nice and all, and its kinda hard to tell whether he's into that sorta thing or not. In any event, I might just call him up and ask him for a little coffee or something. ^^

Well Wishes

2007-09-16T05:25:27Z

Jake's girlfriend Andrea is visiting this weekend and I have to say she's a rather nice person. Jake's really lucky to have a girl like her, and I am happy for him. I guess...this means I'm pretty much okay with them, and take it as a sign that I should drop my interest.

However, tonight produced another breakthrough in yet another evolutionary phase of Tom: Overdrive Tom. It happens when excessive amounts of caffeine and/or sugar enter my system and hit the brain all at once. And, having tried some ginseng for the first time, well...lets just say I was a bit of a mess. Say, a combination of Gir and Foamy with a higher level of sentience.

So, I'm gonna try to go to sleep with all this pumping through my system, and hopefully, I really do mean what I said above is true. I can only hope right?

More Crap On My Mind

2007-09-12T23:17:08Z

Alright, I feel like I've made some massive breakthroughs with Jake, but at the same time, it feels like I haven't. I mean, we hang out a lot, and all that nice stuff, yet at the same time, we're "merely friends". I want to go forward and make a giant move, like something super epic and not to be misunderstood. Yet, I can't. His girlfriend is coming to visit this weekend, and that puts a massive step back in the wrong direction on my half. However, I like him enough that I want him to be happy, and as such, I wish him luck with whatever he does.

But damn it! I want to be with him so badly! I guess that I'm going to have to wait a little while longer before I go ahead and attempt something at all. I sound totally obsessed over the subject, but at the same time you all have to understand that I've been having dreams about him every night since I met him nearly a month ago. Which again...sounds really sorta creepy...

One more thing...

2007-09-11T11:33:16Z

A Very Solemn September the 11th to everyone. May we remember all those who died needlessly at the hands of the terrorists that attacked our country six years ago today. A word of sympathy to all the readers out there who have lost someone they loved.

Fucking Room Mates

2007-09-11T11:31:06Z

Ok, I am so fucking sick and tired of my fucking room mates fucking each other over all the fucking time. I mean, yesterday took the fucking icing on the cake. First they were fighting with each other because they found out that they were dating the same girl at the same time, and that lead to the exilhization of myself from the room even though i had a massive project to finish. Then, things suddenly turn hunky-dory again and next thing I know, as I'm trying to fall asleep, my one room mate who is actually still seeing the girl in question, has the audacity to start making out with her while the rest of us are sleeping. I mean they really honestly didn't give it nearly enough time to be sure we were really sleeping of course, so for the better part of the night I had to listen to the annoying slurping noises as they sucked each other's faces of. Of course, I was in the middle of a massive caffeine rush, so I wasn't falling asleep for a long time. What's even worse is that my iPod is broken, so I couldn't even drown them out.

And then listening to them face fuck each other, made me realize how much I myself am not kissing anyone at the moment. I want to be kissing Alexia, but at the same time, I want to be kissing Jake. The overall anger and frustration of it all has driven me to a point where I think I might not be able to return from.

(EDIT)In retrospect, I really did get a little to harsh right there. I mean, they are girlfriend and boyfriend, and they have every right to do whatever the hell they want together. It was just a bit frustrating on my half.

Robotuessin Dreams

2007-09-09T22:29:00Z

Alas, Jake has been away all weekend, and thus I haven't seen him. But what they say about "outta sight, outta mind" is a crock of bull shit. The dreams keep coming in waves, switching back and forth between Alexia and Jake, and to add to that they're actually getting more and more physical as they go, including much more intense making out and...other activities...to put it nicely. Plus, the fact that I've recently contracted the plague that has infected the dorm house doesn't help things out much. For you see, my room mate had the plague previously and thus has a supply of cold medicine, but unfortunately lost the cap. So, in all of my infinite wisdom, I decided to wing it, and thus, took too much and started to "Robo-trip" Luckily, it only consisted of my brain going into dream cycle while I was still awake, so that made for some awesome visuals, and the little limiter in my head that tells me to not do things decided to go on vacation. Also, luckily my mind was still congniscent(wrong spelling) and coherent so I knew exactly what was going on. It was actually a lot of fun, but I wouldn't exactly go looking to do it again.

I still haven't told either of them about how I feel, so it feels almost like I'm lying to Alexia, and at the same time, like I'm not being myself with Jake. I feel so mixed up and confused again that I feel like my head might explode. ...of course this might also be the result of the built up sinus pressure from the plague.

Insanity in Sleep

2007-09-07T14:49:53Z

Alright, here's when I know that my dreams are really getting the best of me.

Last night Jake and I were hanging out with the rest of my room mates, all of us watching Sin City. Then one of my room mates fell asleep very soon after the midway point of the movie(I still don't get how you could possibly fall asleep during Sin City...). Soon after that, my other room mate(yes, Triple Rooms are a ton of fun) helped his girlfriend down from his lofted bed and so it was pretty much just the two of us sitting there watching it. My heart got all poundy and nervous and I scooted forward till my knee was practically touching his and we sat there in the darkness watching the movie. 'Kiss him you idiot! Grab his hand! Make a move!' kept running through my mind, but luckily I was too much of a pansy to do anything about it. Once the movie ended, my other room mate and his girlfriend returned and soon went to sleep, so Jake and I went outside to talk. We sat there for about an hour, just talking, and for some reason, I can't quite seem to bring myself to look directly into his eyes sometimes. I look at them, and then there they are, staring right back so I quickly shift my gaze lower onto his face. Soon it was 1:30 and we both realized that he should probably get back to his room because he has an early-o'clock class in the morning, and so the two of us part.

Now here's where it gets trippy:
As soon as I fell asleep, or at least I think I fell asleep at this point, I had imagined myself wrapping my arm around Alexia and then laying there. Very soon after that, she vanished from beneath my arm, and instead Jake's arm wrapped around me from behind and then the two of us laid there together and fell asleep(Falling asleep in a dream? I think my dreams are getting way to literal) In any event, the actual dream involved myself going to the mall in my home town, mostly because I was going to meet Alexia there. So I met her in one store or another, and instead Jake is standing there right next to her, completely oblivious about who each other is. Alexia turns and notices me, hurries over and gives me a hug, a quick kiss on the lips, and then tells me about this shirt that she saw that she liked and wanted to see if I liked it. She then bounded off amongst the aisles and disappeared. Jake then turned and noticed me in a very similar way, rand over to me, hugged and kissed, and then told me about this really awesome guitar set combo that they had on sale and thought that I should get so the two of us could play together. He then ran off just as soon as Alexia showed up with the shirt, which was actually really awesome looking (I'm sorta beginning to think that maybe I should look into fashion design at some future date). She ran off to pay for it just as Jake ran back with the little pamphlet describing the set.

Luckily my one room mate that sleeps below me(I'm the unfortunate one who got stuck with the top bunk) went to get up for his class this morning and smashed his head on the bed above him aka my bed, thus resulting in him shouting out a few choice explatives, and getting me to jump awake. I don't think I would have been able to take that dream for much longer.

An Amalgamation of the Past 4 Months of Emotions

2007-09-07T01:59:53Z

Alright, I'm a n00b at the whole blog thing, so here it goes. I know it sounds ragingly emo, but yeah, suck it.

I find myself more confused that I have ever been. I really honestly and deeply care about Alexia, my current girlfriend of about 5 1/2 months. She brought my happiness when I was sad. She was the tiny flicker of hope in an otherwise bleak and desolate existence. Yet as of recent, I have found myself curious. I want to go off and explore different avenues and side streets instead of always walking down the main street. I could never tell her this however, because I know it would destroy her, killing off her happy soul and turning her into an emotionless puppet. We worked so hard to actually maintain and start up this relationship, yet things keep driving us apart (more so her weak constitution that anything else). However, this confusion brought about a whole new wave of despair of and sadness. But now here we are, sitting nearly 200 miles apart from each other, both of us in college, bound together by our intense emotional feelings. The distance between us is hard on me, and every day that passes it takes its toll.

But then some one else has just stepped in from the dark abyss of the clouds of despair that cloud my mind. He resonates light about him, driving the darkness away and bringing a glimmer of happiness to me once again. Jake appeared, filling in the voids of sorrow and curiosity that have been plaguing me. Neither of us have showed any sort of straight forward attraction towards each other, myself least of all if only to keep him from running away forever keeping me in hiding. His happy-go-lucky attitude, his smile, his little nuances that most people would find annoying fill me with happiness and tiny waves of tension and attraction. The more I'm around him, the more I find myself attracted to him. I have had dreams about him as of recent. Nothing graphic though, mostly simple little things like hanging out at the mall and if anything holding his hand or hugging him. And yet, we are both here in the material plane, happily engaged with our own girlfriends, a living tribute to the relationship I could never have.

Now don't get me wrong. I don't want to leave Alexia. I care about her way too much to do something like that too her. Yet at the same time, I'm not of the moral fiber to commit to adultery and date both of them at once. Of course, that would have to involve Jake showing interest in return.

So here I am, torn and broken, plagued by sorrow and confusion. One half of me wants to forget about Jake and stay with Alexia, forgetting all of the feelings that I have felt for him. The other wants to leave Alexia, and take a shot with Jake. Does he feel the same way about me, secretly harboring forbidden emotions as I do, too terrified to do anything about them? In my mind, I kneel amongst the darkness, my arms bound in chains in the middle of a sick game of tug-of-war. On either side of the chain, stand myself, pulling with everything that I have.